entry058 - Air Bud: World Pup is the third film in the Air Bud series.

Actual Conversation Betwixt Green and myself:

4:30 PM Green: So are you watching that Vince MacMahon sport he invited up? The World Cups, I believe?

  invented*

4:31 PM me: there were people here staring at a flat screen in the middle of the floor watching a game

  no where near their desks, not doing any work

 Green: I don't fucking understand it.

 me: i wanted someone to come over and sweep them away with a giant broom

 Green: Americans actively mock the sport.

4:32 PM Then every 4 years they are engaged in it like they're watching they're newborn come out of their wife's cunt.

 me: don't be surprised if i quote you in a blog

  that is fucking hilarious

  and i steal what is hilarious

  wholesale

4:33 PM Green: Please do. It's an honor.

  Not kidding.

 Aside from my friend and recent-recipient of a bionic clavicle C. Green (aka The Bionivicle™) disclosing to me his high regard for my low-brow exploits, he is also right about this World Cup shit.

What is with this World Cup shit? Honestly.

We have eleven hundred channels devoted to all manners and types and modes of sport, and I think this is the first time that I have consciously seen anything soccer-related on any of them that didn't involve a riot in the UK or a goat taking to the field for some reason.
ESPN would rather broadcast Major League: Back to the Minors 24 hours a day on every one of their stations and time slots before they would acknowledge on air that any part of soccer was worth mentioning in serious and polite conversation.
Hell, they'd show [star of Major League: Back to the Minors] Scott Bakula's landmark American sci-fi television series Quantum Leap before they would say or print the world "soccer" in a sentence that was longer than three words and didn't end with the world "gay."

At least, that was the impression that I got. Before all this World Cup shit.

And when I refer to it as shit, please believe me when I tell you that I do not mean to disparage the sport per se. In the interest of full disclosure, I can't really stand any sport all that much (=diabetes?). However, soccer seems to me to be among the least worst of sports for me.
There is a large amount of endurance and athleticism; there are relatively arbitrary rules that actually turn out to elevate the level of play; the intensity of the fandom throughout the REST of the world seems to match the intensity of the play on that gigantic field using only your NOT HANDS; that one chick took off her shirt that one time after her game, etc.

I think I only have one complaint, and one complaint only. The way they keep the time is stupid.
Counting up is asking people to use math to calculate at what point we should start caring (aka the last five minutes of the game), and that's more intellectual investment than I care to...invest in any sporting event.
Also, time could potentially be added to the game because they never stop the clock, and I'll be God-damned if I ever see any indicator of any kind when that happens. I have to wait the full ninety to know that I can't stop watching the game. Shit. You've combined the buildup and over-the-top excitement of "finally scoring" a point like in baseball with the general and insipid indefinite end-point like in baseball.
Anyway, I've got nothing against soccer, really. Furthermore, I've got nothing against soccer fields, soccer players, soccer fans/fanatics, soccer balls...

And most Americans - while they may appear to be - are none of these things. The fucking truth.

Yet I have throngs of people here at my place of business glued to nearby television sets like slugs sliming and sticking while Slovenia dukes it out with Algeria. The game they appear to have been waiting for their entire lives, they watch to see who achieves victory and wins over the coveted "I don't think this game has any real bearing on the actual World Cup standings, but I can't be too sure" spot in the tournament.
You're killing me, fair-weather fútbol fans. For reals.
Half of you don't have enough soccer knowledge and background to fill a thimble that's already 3/4 of the way in.
The other half of you fucks only know enough of the fucking game to play it on your fucking PlayStations.

And the latter half of this horseshit equation is the group of Cluelessers that the former half look to for an expertise's opinion! The fuck are we doing here???

No, the fact that the USA "has a chance" this time around is not enough to suddenly care. Because they don't. Also because we have all seen what happens when we rally around teams and sporters that participate in otherwise marginalized American entertainment, don't we?
Remember Michael Phelps, America? Well, do you? He was a good swimmer, remember? Everyone loved him? I saw him on a commercial for Subway with a look on his face that hoped you would buy enough fake sandwiches so he wouldn't have to blow his dealer again for another couple lines of coke.
You look in his eyes and tell me otherwise. You want to do this to the guys on "our" "soccer team"? Don't go chasing athletes, just stick to the rapists and the drug fiends that you're used to (NBA, NFL, etc etc). For all sincerity.

No, the fact that the World Cup only happens every four years is not enough to suddenly care. Because so do Leap Years. Is February 29th showing up on the calendar reason enough to shirk work and stare at a calendar with my hand down my pants? Regrettably, no.

You want to impress me? Forget this every four years. Have one World Cup once every generation.
You know, like in [the movie] Mortal Kombat. Now there's reason to watch! That, and you make it so that a country has to win ten World Kups in a row in order to be the winner. Throw in a vuvuzela player that shouts "Toasty!" at random intervals and I will buy everything they advertise during all the games twice. For serious.

I don't know why the sudden interest. My only guesses?
1) Companies are broadcasting the World Cup as a tool to determine who will get laid off by the amount of time a worker bee spends watching something we all know they could give a fuck about.
2) The U.S. Government is pushing this display of European antics to distract those of us who think European ideas like giving everyone access to adequate health care, universal education, and making sure employees are treating like human beings with the next-best thing: a soccer match in it's entirety.
3) It was either this or skiing; and Global Warming kind of made the decision for us.
4) Someone from Arizona is colluding with mainstream media to weed out illegal immigrants who cancel appointments and jobs so they can catch up with televised soccer balls.
All very plausible, all very very possible.

Even as I write this, some schmuck at the office is jabbering away about Brazil scoring or something.
I'm setting all of you straight this instant: YOU DO NOT CARE ABOUT SOCCER, GIVE IT A FUCKING REST. Go back to talking about what you're going to do for lunch when you get into the office at 9am, go back to your unamusing anecdotes about your unnecessary children, go back to being miserable to be around. I like the company.